A week ago, the Webby awards were held, and unsurprisingly, the Huffington Post got one. One characteristic of the Webbys is that one's acceptance speech must be a maximum of five words long. HuffPo solicited readers' suggestions for acceptance speeches, and I'm proud to say that my suggestion, which appears above, was among the finalists (the speech Arianna actually gave said "I didn't kill newspapers, okay?").
Having looked at the speeches that were most seriously considered, I can see that my very earnest offering missed a critical component to any speech - it wasn't funny (see the other contenders here).